How old are you, buddy? Is that your mother beside you? This is getting awkward, isn't it! Well your mother's very cool, your mother's very cool for bringing you, remember that, remember when you get older she was cool and she brought you to a comedy show. Uh, I have trouble getting along with my father. He's such a man's man, ya know. He lived his life by all these rules that I can't possibly live by. He believes you should always fight fire with fire, which is a horrible way to live your life, 'cause he was a firefighter, so um. So he was fired WOOPS that was stupid. Let's get a little stupider though. There's a creepy old man fishing in the park and the only problem is He tied a candy bar to the end of his line he's tryna catch a kid. For those listening on the CD, I mimed like I was catching the 14 year old I was just talking to. Mom isn't happy, just guessing, not even looking. Alright. Haha! Oh... Um, you know, people complain about the way I act on stage, they think I repeat jokes, and they think, they don't get that the way I act on stage is just that, it's an act. You know, they think on stage I act too arrogant, too self obsessed, solipsistic, self contained, synonyms. And they want me to be... They want me to be more a comic of the people, relate to the beautiful people in this room with the over-arching glue of comedy. So let's do a little bit of relatable comedy for you guys! I'm like you guys, you know. Once a week I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I lose all my sense oneness and self-worth. HAHA! And what I like to do, in order to assure myself that I am unique, and I'm not just one of many small, white, indistinguishable perfectly cylindric checker pieces in Jesus and Satan's backgammon game... Is I, I will, guys I will try to say a group of words in a certain order that I think no one has said them before. So that when I'm saying it, it's like, Look at me, participating in this new moment that no one has ever participated in," and I feel like I'm receding out of the abyss, so I'll say something random that no one's ever said, like uh, like Peanut Butter Tribadism!" Or uh, or I'm your father and I loved your comedy show!" Or, " At first I wasn't comfortable leaving him alone with my child, but then I saw his moustache. Phew!" Or uh, or uh, " Did you see this Amish website?" Or um, or, " Yo baby, my life's about three things, baby, three simple things: gettin' money, gettin' pussy, and the Dewey Decimal System!" Or um, or, " Hey can you hold my fanny pack? I'm gonna go fuck a woman!" Cause ya don't hear 'em. (Woo!) Uh, I'm giving you attention, girl that's wooing. Are you, are you happy now? (I love you!) You love me? That's very nice. You love the idea of me, you don't know me, but that's okay. It's called a parasocial relationship; it goes one way and is ultimately destructive, but please! Keep buying all my shit forever! It's how it works. Capitalism, I'm trapped! It's terrible, I'm a horrible person.
Ringtones Bo Burnham - Out Of The Abyss
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